On Monday Jan 16, Makers of Memories will be featured on the Dr. Phil show. Below are some of the messages Brian F. Martin conveys to the children on the show directly impacted by domestic violence. These very same messages may be helpful for you or someone you know.
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The message shared on Dr. Phil
I am here with you because I went through some of what you went through when I was your age.
I understand.
I understand what it’s like to be a child and to see the people I love most get hurt over and over. I know what it feels like to be hurt by them.
To be unable to stop it. To feel it was my fault. To feel unloved.
And I know a lot of other children who are like us and adults who were these children, like your mom or dad.
To live a life each day where you feel more scared, guilty, hurt, angry, hopeless, depressed, resentful, worthless, unattractive, unloved rather than feeling emotions of confidence, passion, optimism, grateful, giving, cherished, beautiful and loved – who we were truly born to be.
So I understand and I am sorry.
But as you can tell I am no longer a child. Can I tell you what I did when I got older?
I got really curious and wanted to know more about other people who went through the same thing.
And do you know what I found out?
First I found out that literally millions of children are going through the same thing. So I wasn’t alone. I also found out that tens of millions of adults had gone through the same thing as I had when I was your age.
And while many grew up and repeated the violence they learned or ended up in jail or addicted to drugs or simply never reached the potential they were born to reach, others grew up and did great things.
People like Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Halle Berry and many, many more.
And I got very curious as to what was the difference. Why was it that so many children like me go on to reach their full potential and live happy lives and some even lived extraordinary lives beyond anyone’s imagination.
Do you know what I found?
I found that they chose to believe that BECAUSE of what they went through, because of their experience as a child, it literally conditioned them to be stronger than they would have been if it didn’t happen.
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6 Responses to The message we shared on Dr. Phil – a message to the children and to adults who were these children
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Wow! I am a woman who was abused more than 20 years ago (before todays laws). Many times i called, to have police come to the door to find him standing behind me. I could go on and on about the horrors of those times, but i want to make two points-1. I had fled to a shelter and then went back to him (i had his only child who was 4mos old). He beat me nearly to death, but i didnt think the shelter would allow me back. THEY WILL!
2. My oldest son witnessed a lot of it. He was nine and couldn’t help, yet im convinced this affected him all his life. He ended up taking his own life in his early twenties.
The tragidy didnt end there. The abuser, too, ended up dead, robbing his only child of the chance to know him. Please, please, get help for the children. Even the very young can sense wrong. God bless and keep.
In my parent’s home, we had this disease called “silent fear.” Dad screamed, kicked the dog, and yelled at my Mom. No one defined the words “Domestic violence.” While I grew up, everyone consented to my “father’s” abuse. After I married, I just simply consented to my husband’s abuse. I allowed him to abuse my children. My father’s best words – I can still hear them still today — “I didn’t tell you to think, did I”? Finally I did get to the point that I could think and think wisely. I am now my own person. I saved myself and my children from my ex ( now deceased) husband. I think GOD every day my eyes were opened by my own wisdom. And Thank you, Dr. Phil.
I was a child witness to domestic violence. My stepfather was very abusive to my brother and myself for years! My mother put up with it for six years. My mother was beaten to the point you couldn’t recognize her face and the phone cord was warped around her neck. The police man came to our house and gave her a card with Interval House info. A battered woman shelter! We were saved by Carol Williams. She is my savor, because of her my life is wonderful. I just found out she is very ill with cancer. I owe her for saving my mother, brother and I!
I too grew up in an abusive family, and was so touched by your offer today (1/16/12) to the children of domestic violence that I just had to say something to you about what you are doing for these children through your program “Makers of Memories”. I have said this before and I will say it again: “I wish there was some way I could have all the bad memories erased from my mind.” I don’t know how your services really play a role in reshaping memories, but would like very much to know.
I know that is impossible to completely erase them, but good-new memories are not easy to recall when one “falls down” once more and begins to berate herself for being such an “idiot”, which in turn causes recall of my memories of abuse – mental, emotional, physical, and sexual. There was nothing like this available for me and now I’m a 67 year old woman who continues to struggle with the memories, the mistrust I have of myself and others (even my husband who is not physically abusive, but occasionally plays the “put-down” game on me).
This behavior from him clashes with the self-confidence I built throughout my adult life, and it troubles me more than I want to admit, but at my age I really don’t know what I would do without him. We married (the first time for us both) in 2005. I just couldn’t marry anybody until he came along. Although I did not feel my heart pitter-patter, nor was I feeling lustful (trust?) toward him, I felt it was a wise choice because we always laughed, had good times (and still do, tho’ less frequently), and had the same outlook on life. I have grown to love him. One major oversight on my part, however, was his lack of physical rigor, his disinterest in outdoor activities, and his inability to make proper repairs to the house, lawnmower, etc., but I digress.
I’m really writing to inquire if you have a published book on the subject of making new memories. My second inquiry is: Have you considered expanding your operation to other cities? I live in the Denver metro area and know of nothing that closely resembles this for children or even adults. I have wanted to work with children (as my son is now doing), or women from abusive homes. Unlike you I did not have any information as to how to get along alone in the world, or fight to gain a foothold without a college degree. I now know most all that, but it’s been a long haul for me to learn. I’ve done everything from delivering car parts to repair shops, administravie work, (such as Customer Service Manager for a manufacturer), to owning my own landscape (my one passion) business. I am fearful of nothing really, but do not want any greater responsibility at this point in my life than Admin Coordinator. I hope that you or a representative of yours will be in touch via email (below) with me.
Regards to you and your group. May you thrive in this new year!
Karen Esau at westkey@comcast.net
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We will reach out to you shortly, survivors can be the greatest example and source of strength for others.
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